Saturday, February 7, 2009

It's been a long one

Today was a very hard day. The weather was beautiful and I'd like to say I had a chance to enjoy it, but I can't say that I did. Sam and I slept in with Matilda after her morning wake up call. We had breakfast and then tried to mentally prepare ourselves for Melissa's funeral. I wanted to back out, to not face it, to run away, but we got ready and headed out. I knew that the funeral was going to be horribly sad. I've only been to one other funeral for a young person and they are so somber and tragic. The last funeral was for my childhood friend Davey. There wasn't a dry eye and Melissa's funeral was the same. The program contained two poems that she had written, one about her faith and the other about living with cancer. I didn't know that Melissa was a writer. Her poems were beautiful and haunting. There were songs sung by her friend, most of her family got up to speak, as well as her devoted husband Ben. I couldn't help but think about how short this life is and how much of an impact we can have on others (good and bad). I thought about what others would have to say about me.

I want to feel like I'm making the most of every second I have on this earth. A lot of times that concept overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing instead because it's easier.

I just don't want to live with regrets.

There are definitely things about me that I want to work on. I know what they are and I pray about them, but I feel myself breaking my promises to myself every day. It's hard to not feel beaten down, and it's so easy to justify my actions, but I know that God sets a higher standard for me.

I had to go straight to work after the funeral and I was a mess. Melissa touched so many lives and she was on my mind all day. I was late because of some paper shredding event and I broke down when I finally got to work. Thankfully I work with wonderful people who made the day easier. Lately I just feel like I say the wrong things to people all the time. I just can't seem to get my words out right and to convey to people how I really feel. I feel like God is pushing me and giving me a big wake up's hard to listen.

I'm looking forward to the warm weather we're supposed to have tomorrow, spending time in the garden (an old friend), and enjoying my family. Right now I just feel completely drained.

© copyright homemade grits


jodi said...

les-- I've only just now gotten caught up on the latest events in your life. You, Sam, and all of Melissa's loved ones are in my prayers during this difficult time. Thank you for being YOU, introspective, kind, aware, loving. God has an amazing plan for you-- your spirit blesses so many lives! I love you tons and will call you when I get back in town from Seattle. Miss you. XOXOXOXOXXOX - j

Abbey + Jon said...

Aw, Lesley, I just dropped tears all over my keyboard!! I have 2 picures of me & Davey beside my bed and they never leave. I didn't know Melissa but she sounds like a wonderful person. I hope things start looking up for you! :)