searching for pinecones

changes have been on the horizon for sometime now. this weekend i was in full blown organize/conquer mode trying to put the pieces together, planning for the new year. my mom has been keeping matilda since she was born. we are so thankful to have had loving, guiding hands on her when we weren't able to be there. i could not have asked for a better caregiver for matilda. earlier this year my mom enrolled in school to become a yoga instructor (yay!) so we knew it was inevitable that a new chapter was beginning for her and we are so excited to see where this path will take her.

starting in january i am going to be a working from home mom. i know this new adventure will have its own set of challenges but i am so excited to be able to spend more time with matilda and to be more involved. i'm researching pre-schools and i'm looking forward to new opportunities that will come from this change. since i was a little girl, i've wanted to be a stay at home mom, just like my mom. i never wanted to miss out on anything. when we had matilda i knew that the possibility of me staying home with her was bleak. when i first went back to work i was working full-time, which was heart breaking for me to be away from her so much. since becoming a part of the seed factory family i've been part-time, which has been incredible. i love working with creative, talented women who inspire me. it's also been nice to have time out of the house with adults. although i'll miss being in the shop as much as i have been i'll still be a part of the team popping in during the week and working some saturdays, which i'm so grateful for.

i've been working hard on this blog and several other projects in the event that i needed to stay home with matilda. i've always enjoyed the creative outlet and even though i'll be home i still plan on working. it's important to me to help support our family. sam works so hard and takes such great care of his girls. of course the thought of not having a clear cut plan is scary. i've had to repeatedly breathe deep breaths and remember that although we can try our very best, we are not in control. it felt so great to be reminded of that at church yesterday. we were learning about the third week of advent, that amidst all of the darkness in this world, that a light was coming.

thank you as always for your support of our family. i can't tell you how much i appreciate it. wishing you all a very special christmas season!

100 years from now...

L: spotted on designlovefest R: photo by sam graham

when i stumbled upon this quote it literally shook me to the core. over the last few weeks i've been feeling so detached from myself and feeling really unsure of who i am. what i want out of life. as a mother, our whole days tend to revolve around our children and then every so often we pull back and feel hungry to regain ourselves. to put on something pretty, to have an adult conversation. lately i've been so jealous of my single friends (by single, i mean without children) that get to roll out of bed leisurely and have fancy dinners out on a whim. i've been jealous of women who have "people," jealous of moms who actually have time to shop for themselves (hello closet full of clothes from 2005). i've been feelin' a little sorry for maself and boy have i felt guilty for it. isn't that how it goes? then i read the quote above and it was like God shaking me telling me to snap out of this selfish stooper. it was a big, bold slap of reality and what's really important. in a hundred years from now it won't matter if i have the latest cashmere cardigan from jcrew. it won't matter if i missed one fun night out with friends. what will matter is that i read an extra story at bedtime, that i played with matilda at the park, that we danced in the kitchen until we were sore, that we make each other laugh ridiculously hard, that my daughter knows how much her i love her.

not to say that i don't think it's important for moms to be able to share these sorts of feelings because i think we all have these "moments." i started slowing down, taking in the time that matilda and i have together and savoring it. sam had a bunch of shows last weekend so til and i had a lot of one-on-one and SHOOOOT do i love that girl. it hurts how much and sometimes i just need to be reminded of her smallness, how temporary it is that we'll be housebound, how fast she's growing up, how fast the meltdowns will come and go, how freaking lucky we are to be blessed with this little ball of magic. i think so often the fantasy of being able to do whatever we want is so much greater than that reality. even if i get woken up at 5:30 in the morning and touch something unidentifiable once a day, i sure as heck wouldn't change being the mother of my blondeheaded girl with a strawberry mustache* for anything.

*matilda calls anything that gets on her face a mustache. today it was strawberry jelly.

groundhog day

i was reading cjane's post today about
motherhood being like groundhog's day. rinse.wash.repeat. i started thinking about our morning routine. every morning matilda lets me know she's awake by banging on the crib with either a)her pacifier b)her bottle or c)whatever she can find on the night stand. i walk in and she starts pacing in her crib and laughing. it's a pretty awesome way to start the day. the next order of business...mil (milk), a diaper change, and then the inevitable..."guh?". matilda wants to know where guinness is. lots of kissing follows and then i try to feed matilda. she is now only wanting to feed herself, which means picking everything apart and then throwing it on the floor usually in guinness' direction, which leads to me shooing guinness away every five seconds. then i try and chug my coffee while we play (aka matilda tries to escape her confines and then goes straight for the netflix envelopes on the sideboard, which involves ripping them to shreds once acquired). we reads buuuuuks (books) and take every puzzle apart. i must confess i am aware of naptime approaching, so i begin my time management. "do i have time to take a shower and sew a dress?" a couple of hours go by and then the same games ensue.

motherhood is sort of like groundhog day, only some days are happy and some days are a little harder, and before you know it your child is independent and driving and has a boyfriend...shudder. i will hold on to these days and chubby cheeks and relish the fact that i'll get to tell her one day about the fit she pitched when she was told she couldn't play in the toilet.

© copyright homemade grits

Having it all

I have come to the conclusion in my short (ok not that short) 27 years, that having it all is indeed impossible. "Having it all" means that most areas in your life fall short because you just can't be everything to everyone. Lately my anxiety level has been pretty high my friends. This usually happens when a variety of things in my life seem to collide and explode in a messy pool of thoughts in my head.

Here are the following contributors:

General holiday stress-thank you cards piling up, getting gifts for everyone on my list, attending numerous functions without proper time to get ready, running out of Christmas cards, etc

Work- functioning on small amounts of sleep, trying to do my best, planning out outfits without many options for my current figure, feeling less than confident on a daily basis, wanting to maintain relationships without anytime to converse, getting Matilda with everything that she needs to and fro

Motherhood- wanting to spend all of my time with Matilda, missing her constantly, having all of these dreams of reading to her and teaching her new things (sign language, sitting up, laughing, smiling), desiring to raise a strong and happy child that will one day be a beautiful and confident woman

Wifeyness- wanting to be there for Sam as a friend and wife, having time for romance, listening without letting other thoughts creep in (need to go the store, there are dust bunnies becoming rabbits in the office, can he see my muffin top?)

Friendships- I haven't returned so and so's phone call (in this case it's Christy...please forgive me), wanting to invest in my close girl friends, keeping up with their lives, being a supportive friend and listener, making them feel as special as they make me feel

Family- having time to get together, keeping in touch with cousins, aunts and uncles, grand parents, wanting to be there for my brother and sister and parents, have I shown them how much I love them?

Guinness- has he been loved on enough, does he have enough food, needs exercise

Home-laundry, dinner, decorate, organize, dust, vacuum, design, fluff, fold

Just needed to get them all out. I feel better now.




© copyright homemade grits

Sweet mail

I must say I am much more refreshed this morning after about an hour more of sleep and a shower. There really is something to be said about clean hair! Getting ready for the day takes on a new meaning. Feed Matilda, make sure she's happy and asleep, rush to shower and get out to let Guinness out, pump, make breakfast, coffee, before our princess stirs. Phew! Now I am one hand typing to give a update while she sleeps.

Yesterday I received the sweetest package in the mail from my friend Lauren:





Look at the paper doll burp cloths. Soooo cute!

Here is Tilda wearing her new booties from Lauren. Lauren cracks me up, She said she was worried about them fitting and thought Matilda would be in kindergarten before she got them in the mail. No worries, they fit perfectly!



Here she is wearing her long sleeve onesie from Christina! Perfect for this beautiful weather.



Thank you so much Lauren and Christina

© copyright homemade grits

Mama needs a drink

Phew...today has been just a little exhausting. Matilda did not sleep a wink last night, until about 4 am. By the end of the night I was covered in spit up so I took a hot bath, which was lovely.

Today was not very productive. The house is a wreck, no laundry was attempted, and shoot me now I've been using the disposable diapers. Girlfriend is whooped.

Matilda is just so adorable, otherwise I might fall over.

Today I experimented with the pump. Not much else could make you feel more like a cow. The nurse said in order to keep milk from shooting out her nose that I should pump and monitor the amount of food that she's getting.

I don't feel like I'll ever know what I'm doing!

Mom brought me some mylicon drops which will hopefully help with her tummy.

Tonight involves a walk to soak up the crisp fall air and a Heroes marathon. Maybe just maybe I'll get a little more sleep tonight!



© copyright homemade grits

Yay, I rule at life

I was so excited today to go to the pediatricians office and have them tell me that Matilda gained all of her weight back! They don't call 'em jugs for nothing. I feel like I am finally mastering nursing my daughter and it is a very powerful feeling!

Other than hearing that glorious news, we had a visit from Kathleen. She brought the sweetest gift and delicious pumpkin bread, which I'm about to sneak a bite of!

Then Skye and Anna came by with coca cola cupcakes from the West Egg...to die for!



We seriously have the best friends. It was so fun to catch up and talk about everything under the sun...from politics to the crazy gas situation to what it feels like to birth a child. Wonderful, wonderful times!

Right now I am multi tasking with my sweet baby resting on my chest.



What a sweet life. It's important to soak up all of the joys that having a child brings.

Being a new mom brings a whole host of emotions. I just look at Matilda and tears stream down my face. It is a powerful thing.

© copyright homemade grits

Thoughts on new motherhood

I am taking advantage of the short milk induced coma that Matilda is in right now. She is enjoying some wonderful Daddy time. It absolutely breaks my heart to look at the two of them together. I've always heard how your love for your husband grows ten fold when you have children together and I have to agree. Sam has been unwavering through my tired and often short self. He fills my large water bottle with the best concoction of ice, water, and grape juice. He has been on diaper duty since she was born. He actually changed his first diaper in the hospital! The first was a bit of a rough go, but now he's diapering like a champ! He is so amazing with Matilda. He loves to hold her and rock her and has been playing the most beautiful scottish music while I nurse.

As far as my feelings go for my daughter there is no possible way I could put them in to words, but I will try.


From my sweet neighbor Christy. How beautiful to come home to.

The first time I layed eyes on her was after a long day of labor. My birth experience was so tender and life changing. Giving birth was the hardest, coolest thing I've ever done. I never thought I would make it through, but when I saw that face my life changed. None of the pain mattered at all. Seeing her tiny face and big blue eyes staring back at me was something only a mother could understand. You literally feel like you'll never have your heart back.

I love everything about her. I stare at her for hours. She smells intoxicating. I love sticking my face up to hers and smelling her breath. I treasure the times that I feed her, because it is just the two of us. She strokes my chest and holds my finger. She coos and opens her eyes every now and then. I really could go on and on, describing how soft her skin is and how sweet she is, and how much I absolutely adore her.

I can only tell you that my Mama was right when she said It is a love affair

I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for your kind, inspiring words. I don't have time to write everyone back right now, but know that every sweet word I read sends little warm feelings to my heart. Sam and I both feel incredibly blessed by the people in our life. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.



© copyright homemade grits